It Hurts
When people leave your church, it hurts. With this admission, I know some will say the emotional pain leaders experience during an exodus is tied to numerical decline. And numerical decline, some conclude, is indicative of poor leadership. Others hear of leaders experiencing hurt and believe the emotional response is fuelled by an unrealized desire for power and influence. Some take a more generous approach and conclude that hurt in response to people leaving your church is sadness—sadness that your church wasn’t good enough, or big enough, or resourced enough. What you can offer to your people simply does not compare to the big church down the road.
As a woman in ministry and a counsellor of many individuals in ministry, I acknowledge that some responses of hurt from church leadership do land in categories like these. However, I want to challenge those of you who have observed this painful process to consider another possible reason for the pain.
Consider Family
Many of us have had the experience of walking alongside an adult child as she begins to bring a significant other around the family. It starts tentatively. They are getting to know one another, and slowly, the non-family member becomes more incorporated into the rhythm and functioning of the family. As the relationship between your child and this individual grows, so does your love and concern for him or her. At times, this moves to the step of engagement. Now the person who has come in from outside your family is really ‘in.’ You begin to plan and picture what it will be like to consider this person as a family member. He or she is welcomed, loved, and plans are made to “adopt” them into your family. You move from seeing this individual as a visitor to one of your own.
Now, sadly, these relationships our kids enter into do not always make it all the way to the altar. If a relationship ends after a significant amount of time dating or in the engagement phase, there is hurt and loss. Why? Because you wanted to build your family numbers? Because you feel disrespected that this person did not choose your family? Because you are sad that your child or your family was not good enough? No!
You are sad because you have invested in this individual—you have sought to know them and their story. In this process, you too have shared your life and been vulnerable, inviting them into relationship. You have grown to deeply love this person, and genuinely care about the decisions they make in life. So, when they leave the family, it is painful. Now imagine this was a divorce: commitment has been made, a covenant signed, the individual has become an integral part of your family, but the covenant has been broken. This loss is great. There is much to grieve.
Consider the Church
In the church, we have people who are just checking it out. Sometimes the visits last months. Their decision not to enter into your church community, while disappointing, is not hurtful. They were on a journey; they were trying to figure out which church family was best for them. We also have people who have entered the church and called it “home,” even though they have not taken the step of membership. These are people you begin to invest in, care for, and deeply love. When they leave, it is painful because you are losing someone who was beginning to function as a family member. And then, some are members of the church. These are individuals who have committed to be with you, to pursue Christ-likeness alongside you, to use their gifts to build up the body of Christ, to pray for the leadership and the body, to use their resources to help the mission of the church, and to enter into community with you. When members leave the church, there is deep sorrow and deep hurt. When members leave the church, we are losing one of our own …
To Those Who Lead and Those Who Leave
To those of you in church leadership: be wary of the hurt you feel. Ask yourself some hard questions to get at the root of your pain. If you see sinful desires intertwined with your hurt, turn to the Lord in repentance and faith. He is faithful and just to forgive you. If you fear what others are saying or thinking about you when people leave, read Paul’s writings (2 Cor 10). Seek to trust in the One who sees you and offers you commendation, regardless of the affections of man. If you are hurting because ministry is difficult, and your church never seems to get a break, revisit your calling and the One who works good. If your hurt reveals grief at the loss of a loved one from your church family, turn to the Father of mercies and God of all comfort (2 Cor. 1:3-4). He knows the sorrow you carry, and he compassionately offers you peace and healing.
We hurt when we are judged by others, we hurt when we serve and minister in a struggling church, and we hurt when we lose church family members. God is near to the broken-hearted (Ps. 34:18).
To those who have left a church or are considering leaving a church: do not take this decision lightly. Consider your motives before the Lord, and do some work to see if your decision is honourable before God. Take time to consider some of the thoughtful resources written to help you wisely navigate this journey (links below). As you consider your leaders, know that they see you as a valuable, loved member of their church family, and your leaving will be hard for them. If you are able, in your leaving, speak well of them, encourage them with the truth of Scripture, and commit to not slander them.
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. (Rom 12:18 ESV)
If you are considering leaving your church, here are a few resources I pray will help you discern the path forward:
TGC Article: “What Should I Do If I see Moral Failings in My Pastor?“ https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/moral-failings-pastor
Desiring God: “Should I Leave My Church?“ https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/should-i-leave-my-church
Tim Challies Blog: “When Should I Leave My Church?“ https://www.challies.com/christian-living/when-should-i-leave-my-church/
Southern Seminary Video: “When is it OK to Leave a Church?“ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGVz9A0T9tU
Ask Pastor John Video: “When Should I Leave My Church?“ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjV-kV6ZPVE
Jodi Adrian is a biblical counsellor, based in North Vancouver, British Columbia. As a woman and a mother of four children and two grandchildren, Jodi knows intimately the issues which invade the hearts and minds of women. God has also blessed Jodi and her husband with over 22 years of living with their daughter, who has Down syndrome. Jodi works with children, youth, and adults, and counts it a privilege to help individuals navigate difficult relationships, including abuse. She has also been pushed in her 31-year marriage to seek to understand more of what God intends for us in a relationship.
